Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Where there’s a will...

I heard someone say this once... "where there’s a will....500 relatives will appear". That struck a raw nerve inside somewhere and hence I decided to write me a will with very SPECIFIC people in mind. Just in case you die of boredom reading it I’d suggest you make a will of your own right away.
I, Shreyasi Majumdar aka Twinky, also known as The Bandit Queen among select circles, currently above 18 years of age (although I keep hearing otherwise), of rotund but otherwise sound body and what my friends claim to be a completely unsound mind, do hereby declare this to be my last will and testament (subject to as many changes as I can possibly make fervently praying that I have at least another 50 years to go!). All other wills I may have made in the past (refer to small chits of paper lying scattered around my boudoir) or passed on through word of mouth (no wait...that parakeet died I think), are hereby rendered null and void.
All my earthly possessions I divide among my loved ones as follows :- (for my spiritual, psychic and paranormal possessions, meet me on the other side)

1) To my darling father, my hero and my guiding light, I leave all my collected data on the paranormal world and unexplained phenomena...after all you are the only one who truly believed that I have been abducted by extraterrestrials...not once but many times in this life and those before resulting in my present state of brain-deadness (I know I know it’s not even a word)...only you believe that the weird bump behind my left year is not due to those malicious bee stings but due to an alien implant...only you agreed with me that there were flying machines like the vimanas much before the wright brothers...only you agreed to come with me to peru and nazca to try and jump into a worm hole and attempt to appear in another alone respected me for joining the shamanic group on yahoo, you alone didn’t laff when I told you about the dropa stones and the mysterious han tribe in alone showed more interest in the ancient Egyptian pyramids and the Bermuda triangle than even myself and so much more that people have scoffed at me about...(all the people present in the room when this is being read, wipe the grins off your me my soul is capable of transmigration and I WILL come back to haunt your dreams if you poke fun at me after I’m dead and decayed). To my father, I also leave my collection of The X-FILES dvd’s I got from Shangai (Man those were a steal! RMB 400/- only for 57 DVD’S + movie...beat that!) books on the paranormal including the two books on government conspiracies and age old humans which I stole from the library (attribute it to young blood and a supremely anal retentive librairian) and which are hence unnamed (wait a minute Im dead already aint heres to you library jerks that refused to lend me the book on crop circles...haha gotcha!). I also leave to you your paintings and sketches that you gave to me...I think no one will be able to take care of them as well as you and me...I also leave you the Titanic computer game...hopefully hopefully then you will be able to solve it!!! (if not my soul shall have no peace) as well as my two part STAR WARS trilogy...guard it with your life daddio! Lastly I leave you with all my certificates and awards since schooldays...I know you will take care of them as I have treasured them throughout...I know I didn’t traverse the path you would have liked me to but I would like to rest in peace in the knowledge that somewhere along the line I have made you proud...(duh! As if he cares now that Im dead)

2) To My wonderful mother, whose hand has guided me along the crossroads of life (very often with a hard whack on the butt), I leave all my written work, including my personal diary S.E.R.E.N.D.I.P.I.T.Y , my blogs “It’s all a Moo point” and “The Circumambient Cetacean” and my poetry. You have been the first person to encourage me to write (oh how I used to loathe writing those essays for that idiotic English class in school), and you will probably be the only one to understand the nonsensical things I write all the best with that and if it’s too much nonsense just burn the manuscripts...ha ha. Oh and yes, I also leave you all my money, since Sushil has enough of his own and won’t be needing it anyways...just please Please don’t spend it all on bottle feeding the cows or building roofs for the bird alcove in the hospital....get that from donations. Now with all the money and possible royalty from the writing, you will never have to complain that Twinky bought “daddy the car and not me”...sheesh! I also leave you all my jewellery ma...except my engagement ring and mangalsutra...please keep the little gold cricket bat intact...we might need to loan it to sourav someday...maybe tht will spur him to play better...I also leave you ALL my saris...simply coz I’m sure you’ll put them to much better use than I ever did or pop and sushil ever could...and if your ever suffering from Parkinson’s, and have forgotten how to drape a sari, here is a perfectly good you tube link that has worked wonders for me in my entire lifetime of perpetual sari-drape alzheimers...all the best!

3) To My husband, I leave all my clothes...keep them for a while, but please after three months or so give them to the salvation army or burn them...either ways don’t let the moths get to em! I also leave you my Harry Potter series (ahem!!! as of now you still have to buy me the fifth movie) and the Sherlock homes game, the Da Vinci Code game and the cake mania game cd’s...(you’ll need something cheesy to occupy yourself with now that Im gone)To my darling Sushil, I also leave the cook book I had written just before marriage...was all done for you sweetie...This book also comes with an extremely unorganized kitchen (I think a family of roaches has set up base behind the non stick frying pan on the second shelf...also Theres a box of payesh in the fridge which is growing green stuff...knowing me...itll be there till the day I please put on your handy HAZ MAT suit and dispose it before it ‘gets you’. Also behind that there is a red box and I swear I saw it move the other God help you with that)...whatever it is leave the lizards alone it’s their house too!!!! To Sush, I also leave my cycle...don’t know if that’s legally valid in this will since it actually belongs to you and you had just loaned it to me, but I thought I’d mention it anyways (professing self importance) since I wouldn’t want anyone else to have it...I also leave to you all my animation cd’s/dvd’s to remind you of the cartoon you once married (and if you want to forget that blasted incident just give them to Disha!) To Sushil I also leave my engagement ring and not...I repeat DO NOT cremate me with them on...the gold is wayyy too precious to be destroyed in a funeral pyre...I also leave you my Christmas lights, tree and trinkets, to remind you of how I used to light up your life and to also warn you that if another woman ever so much as comes near you, I will turn out both your lights for there! Also I know you don’t put much stock in it, but I would like to leave you my SLAM has many treasured memories from friends long gone...Please also treasure all the letters/ cards from my dad and mom, and especially the ones from you...only you know how much they mean to me so you’d be the best caregiver to the weathered memories.

4) To my grandparents, I leave you my best wishes for a happy after life, since I intend to live till 60 at least and I hope you have already reincarnated by would be horrid of me to want you to stick around in this life just for go on ... enjoy the rebirths!

5) To my good shippie friend Anshul, I leave my piano...there is music in your soul my friend and it really pains me to see you banging away on my piano when u come just take it, get those piano lessons and become the best darned jazz pianist you can be... (you’re also welcome to take Sushil’s guitar since he doesn’t use it anyways)...let’s give the neighbours a dose of the insomnia we are all too familiar with...hyuk hyuk hyuk....)

6) To Anshul’s wife and my good friend Jona, I leave all my other cookbooks and also once you have gotten over the unforgettable Kini experience, go get yourself an efficient maid to clean up after you, during your experiments in the kitchen with my cookbooks! J I also leave you my DVD “Walk away the pounds” by Leslie Sansone, although I’m hoping by the time this will is read, both you and I will be thin as reeds and won’t need the DVD.

7) To Tamal Dada, Mitu Boudi, Raghavan Dada and Suresh dada, you’ll don’t need any material merchandise anyway thanks to Guru’s grace, so I leave you with my utmost gratitude for your complete wholesome guidance all throughout, my sincerest apologies for being a royal pain, and my everlasting love for you in God and Guru. Disha, I don’t have much to give you apart from my animations if Sush doesn’t want them and my F.R.I.E.N.D.S series if my best friend Shalini doesn’t want them...:-) what you CAN have from me for sure is a big hug, but I doubt you’d want to hug a corpse so I guess you’ll just have to depend on the good will of these guys and wait for the hand me downs....

8) To my best girl friend Shalini, I leave you my empty wardrobe(sush will have burnt all my clothes by now) have always hated my dressing sense and always wanted to change here’s your chance...get sushil to tell you where all the great malls in Singapore are and go nuts! To my friend of adolescence, I leave you the remnants of our most beloved TV Series...F.R.I.E.N.D.S...All ten seasons...again.....go nuts! Oh and yes most importantly...I leave you to read this’ll know what it’s for once the right men come flocking to your doorstep...and once again I proclaim GO NUTS GIRL!!! Hugggzzz...

9) To my close friend of yester years, Rajesh, I can only leave you with my sincerest apologies for not being there when you needed/wanted me to...I just want you to know that I loved you and shalu from the bottom of my heart then and I still do just the same...(PS sorry about crashing your new bike into the back of that truck...I was 17 and one has gotta blame the potholes!!!)

10) To Wilson, my best guy friend, and back up boyfriend for all time, I leave you the little bamboo plant you sent me from so far away on valentine’s was one of those special valentines days I won’t forget...I want to also let you know how much your friendship has meant to me all along...these things don’t pass away with a human body...and before I get mushier, would also like to leave you a punched up face, broken limbs and black eye for all the mean things you’ve said to me so far...halloa!...never mess around with a girl...especially a girl like me !!! oh and yes before I forget I would have liked to leave you something else ... only I don’t have it thankfully! ... a picture of BURT REYNOLDS(not the actor)...all framed and hung up on your front torment you for the rest of your life...cheers Willy!

11) To my “wild” friends, Rohit, Jeherul, Amar Deshpande, Archana, Abhijeet, Riten and anybody else I’ve left out, I leave you with a bright future...because knowing that people like you exist in this world gives me hope for a better world tomorrow. I also thank you for some wonderful times in the lap of nature that I was allowed to experience in your company.
12) To my chuddy buddies, Rohit, Cookie, Nisha, and Sneha, I leave you with all our photographs of an era gone by...memories that are not meant to be trifled with...Keep them safe and away from anything inflammable please
13) To my old AIMS friends Ayesha, Amruta, Sanjay, Akashdeep, Zaid, Snehal , Prakash, et al, I would like to leave you’ll with the knowledge that you guys made a difference to my otherwise lonely childhood and I’m proud of the people we have become over the years. To Prakash especially I leave the “secret” technique you had shown me many many years ago to make brilliant decorations cut up from folded paper...I solemnly swear I have honoured that vow and never shared with anyone the childish pact made so many years ago.

14) To My SVPV friends, Sumi, savi, karnik, shabbir, yogi, zulu, pranay, anil, anshal, akshay, and all the rest of the gang...JAI HO! WE MADE IT PPL...although we did think SVPV would leave us stunted in growth as far as basic intelligence is concerned...we somehow made it...and therefore I leave you all with hearty congratulations for surviving “the school with more buses than students, worksheets and multi coloured PT uniforms” and more so for keeping in touch through the years...and lame as it sounds...I WOULD REALLY LIKE THAT REUNION BEFORE THIS STUPID WILL IS READ PPL!!!

15) To my Jangid friends especially Neha and Suji, I want to leave you with a note of thanks...for making those summer holidays not only bearable, but FUN! I know you wince now at words like DUBBA I SPY or LAGORI...hehe but then, it used to be music to the ears...Suji It was an honor serving with you in the rollerblading, badminton and sticker collection sprees...I hereby leave you with my currently non existent sticker collection and roller blades...I wish I still had them...Neha I leave you with Rs 20,000 for that bed I had promised you on your wedding...and wishes for a grand married life...(trust me its everything it’s made out to be...hehehehe{laffs evilly})

16) To my Guns n Roses friends from Bhavan’s, Shruti and Jay, I leave you lots and lots of hugs and good brought smiles into my life during a troubling and difficult time and for that I am eternally grateful.

17) To Kannan, I leave my brain...hopefully now u’ll realize it’s a miniature...please go to the life sciences department at Xaviers and ask them to preserve it for you...they know me...they’ll do it at a discounted price...after that you can shrink my head and display it as a monument to absurdity!

18) To my in laws, I leave my singing voice...I know how much you’ll like to hear me sing and I am thankful for such a wonderful family that appreciates me so much. (There is an on/off button on it...please use as and when unbearability sets in...)

19) To Jane teacher I leave my undying gratitude for showing me what a teacher really is.

20) To the best boss I ever had, Russ Mc Culloch, I leave you best wishes for a happier, lighter (pls refer to the waxing deal) and carefree life (I think only voluntary resignation from SBB as ASIA Editor will aid the carefreeness J ). To all my other SBB colleagues, I leave a prayer for you for plain and simple happiness in whatever you do and wherever you go. You guys are the best bunch I’ve ever worked with and I thank you for silently enduring me all this while.

21) To Naeem and Vivek, the two people who have taught me whatever I know now of international trading, I leave my entire address book...stuffed with whatever contacts I have garnered over this time. Feel free to contact any of them and use my name as reference...(By the time this is read, they won’t be able to reach me...muaahahahahaha).

22) Lastly to my lawyer I leave this will, hoping that he is not comatose by the time this has to be read.

For all other clarifications speak to the above mentioned lawyer who I’m hoping will outlive me....of course with global warming going the way it is, we may have no need for this will one way or another!

Cheers from beyond the grave,


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