Sunday, October 11, 2009

Sometimes the answer is no...

Dear Blog,

I I have rarely prayed before...Ever since I first started speaking to God, the bottom line of my prayer has always been “Thy will be done”. I would ask for whatever I wanted but would always end with that statement removing myself from the ego consciousness and merging my will with HIS. This time it was different.

This time I wanted my COCO to survive the ordeal he had been through, firstly because I didn’t want him to die an untimely death as a consequence of the actions of a bunch of hooligans and secondly because I wanted to laugh in their faces and make a statement...that their actions couldn’t harm my little one.

He showed signs of recovery, he sat up, ate, drank water, wagged his tail showed my parents recognition...and then suddenly before the critical 72 hr period was up, his condition turned for the worse. His body became rigid again, his fever sky rocketed and he kept screaming into the night...apparently the horrific pain came back.

He stayed this way for a while before he slipped into a coma. And all this while I was only praying for his life...No underlying “Thy will be done” statement. Finally after 24 hours I realized I was just holding on to him and he was hanging on only because I was not ready to let go...because I kept praying for his life....because I would not let God do HIS will.

So day before yesterday I finally sat down and spoke to GOD like I used to. I told Him that as much as I would love COCO romping around happy and healthy again, I would not want to be the cause of his pain. And no matter what happens, I cannot question GOD’s reasons. And I sealed the conversation with “Your will be done.”

I was at a conference the whole day at the Shangri La and was caught up in the arcane world of business professionals. I finally managed to break away for a bit and slipped into the restroom to call Ma. And she informed me that Coco had passed on an hour or so earlier.

I hung up and stood there in the majestically decorated restroom. I was surrounded by beauty but my heart was empty save for a few mixed emotions running helter skelter. I was crying inside knowing that I would never see my Coco’s physical form again, but I was relieved that he was in no pain. I was filled with fury at those boys who took Coco from me but at the same time I was revelling in the fact that God had been on the other side conversing with me all along, and when I finally agreed to let go, God agreed to take him.

I am sure I will grieve Coco for a long time now. More than my other animals because he died as a result of an unnecessary cruel act...something unforgiveable in the human species since we have been given the power to discern right from wrong. Sure Orcas play with their quarry before killing them; sure cats do the same and kill their prey without wanting to eat them. But they do not have the discriminating volition that has been so benevolently granted to us.

I have had anger welling up in me ever since I heard of the atrocious act and I have cursed like I have never done before. But amidst my fury, my friend of yesteryears reminded me of the grace of God and her understanding words touched me to my very core. I asked for her permission to publish her thoughts and here is an excerpt of what she said, “As for those perpertrators, for each and every act of injustice done, they will have to be answerable to God. Though all of us feel pure rage right now, the time will surely come for their judgment as well. Forgive them for they do not know what they do. It is very painful. But true that all of us have to leave one day, all marked in His time. May God's will be done. For His plans are not ours, and He does all for our own good. I just pray that we continue to do good and find strength in the Lord.”

I have listened to her and am slowly resolving the anger inside of me. I know it will take time.
But I have faith that God will help me forgive.

Coco was cremated yesterday. I wish to erase the memories of him in pain. I only wish to remember him as the sprightly boy that he was...abounding in joy and selfless love.
I prayed like never before and then I prayed like I used to. I am always looking to God for answers. And He has shown me that He always answers my prayers. Always. Only for reasons that are His alone, and for reasons that I am too spiritually unevolved yet to understand, sometimes the answer is No.

I love you Coco. Goodbye.

........In Memorium of our beloved Coco


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